Oh hi you nosey parkers. I know some of you only read the sex ones, that’s OK – I guess not all of us are as invested in my caffeine addiction. Plus sex is interesting right? I love a good old convo with my friends about whose doing it and whose not, what sex toys we have bought lately (soz LoveHoney but my money is currently going on babywipes and coffee. I’ll be back soon I promise.), and relating salacious sex antics that our younger selves got up to.
Because lets face it folks, as parents the windows for crazy sexy times are few and far between.
When you first get into a relationship, half of it is spent in bed. I don’t think I need to write about how blooming exciting it is when you meet someone who makes your fanny flutter.
In my eyes, it’s key to a long term successful relationship. If you get into bed with someone and well, it’s not earth shattering then it ain’t going to go the distance.
Obviously things calm down. We can’t all be banging 24/7 otherwise nothing would get done. But that’s part of the fun of it. The longer you are in a relationship with someone, the better you know them, and the better you get to know them in bed. You both know what the other one likes, learn to read their moods, learn to read their body language, which means that the sex changes. It’s no longer an Olympic sport, with positions and orgasms galore. It might just be a Sunday morning hungover lazy smooch. Or a quickie on a morning before work, hoping your glowing face translates to the morning commute as ‘new blusher’ rather than ‘just banged’.
Sure, after a few years together I know there’s a danger of things getting stale, getting boring, getting a bit of the same old same old, but believe me guys. If it’s just the two of you at the moment then fit in some good sex now.
No seriously. Go do it now.
Because once you become parents, and there’s a mini you running around, sex becomes a whole new ball game.
I’ve written about the post-partum phase, about getting back on that particular horse after giving birth. It’s a massive change, having pushed something out of your vagina (or having the major surgery that is a C-section) and recovering from that is really important and definitely impacts upon your sex life for a long time.
Despite a gnarly tear, I’ve recovered really well down there. Top notch work perineum, nice to know you are good for something. This isn’t the case for everyone, pregnancy and birth takes its toll on your body, so if you are reading this and thinking NO WAY am I up for sexual shenanigans, then that’s ok. Take as long as you need to, take it slow, and partners – be supportive.
Anyway. Lets get down to it.
We’re blessed with a child who at almost 13 months is yet to sleep through the night. Not gonna lie, it’s taking its toll. Not just on us being in a permanent state of caffeine fuelled one step up from zombie state, but also on our sex life.
A spontaneous during the day bang is pretty much out of the question. And in the evenings, we are both bloody knackered.
Add a live-in mother in law and well, you get the picture.
Sex is currently off the table until the rest of the household is in bed, and we are tucked up ourselves. Even then, odds are that R will choose then to wake up, lose his dummy, and need one of us to settle him. The other one will (even if the pants are off and we are raring to go) inevitably drift off.
And then the nights where we both get into bed at the same time, R is fast asleep and the household is all peaceful and quiet. Well then the real question is what do we want more, sex or an extra half hours sleep.
Spoiler alert: sleep wins a good portion of the time.
Some of you are probably rolling your eyes right now, thinking bloody hell what a pair of wet lettuces. Oh boohoo you, too tired to have sex, boohoohoo. Well knob off if that’s your thoughts because I was up eight times last night with R. Add on a working day, a shitstorm of a commute thanks to Northern Rail, and sleep is boosted right up my priority list.
The other night, well you guys (yeah you perk your ears up, it’s about to get interesting), in bed, pants-less me and D had one of those saucy conversations normally had with your friends after three bottles of wine.
You know, what’s your ultimate fantasy, what really turns you on, what would you like to try that you’ve never tried before. Now we’ve been together almost six years, so I’m not going to act like what D was telling me was brand spanking new information, but it made me realise we hadn’t talked like that in a long long time.
And of course, it did the trick.
Not to give away too much, but we had a bloody good night. And then at work the next day my thoughts about D weren’t the usual, ‘hope he’s put the washing on / has he remembered to message the childminder / who used up all the shower gel? BASTARD.’
It made me realise how important it is to stay connected to your partner as a parent. Just one little act of spontaneous naughtiness brought us closer together, made us flirt in the kitchen, and watch our Whatsapps waiting for the other to message back.
So we are planning a little getaway in a few weeks time, nothing exciting, just a little trip away to shop, sleep, and well… shag
like rabbits like pretty exhausted parents.