HIGH: Getting up is my favourite part of the day. Today I slept in for ages and then felt super refreshed and relaxed so chatted away in my cot to myself until Mama came in and covered me in kisses, then we went to see Daddy and I gave him high fives whilst he did a big poo. Mama took me downstairs and I got to put on my welly boots with my pyjamas and we ran into the garden. Mama drinks her morning juice [editor’s note: this is coffee, not wine] and we talk about everything we can see and look at the flowers, and the birds, and what is growing and OH HELL YES LOOK THERE’S AN ANT. ‘ANT MAMA ANT’
LOW: Mama blew on my porridge to cool it down. I ABSOLUTELY did not want that, I wanted my porridge hotter than the scalding depths of hell. To tell her how upset I was I broke into hysterical tears, and she jumped to me asking what was wrong. I point at my porridge and screeched because goddamit I wanted it hot. She blew on it some more, and passed me a mouthful. IDIOT I WANTED IT HO…. oh wait a minute, this is actually pretty scrummy. Yum yum yum.
HIGH: I said ‘Park’ and guess what? Mama took me to the park! It was sunny and I was wearing my blue sandals with the buckle that’s really fun to try and undo. Oh and there’s a slide, and swings and a sandpit, and ducks, and some really interesting stuff called heras fencing round a broken part of the playpark. That’s my favourite. I go and point it out to Mama and say ‘oh no’ in case she hasn’t noticed it’s broken and she laughs and I say ‘oh no’ again and this time two other women laugh and stop and tell me I’m gorgeous. Duh, I know that, let’s all talk about how cool this fencing is though?
LOW: We ran out of snacks. WE RAN OUT OF SNACKS. This is not ok, and I know that I have already eaten two breakfasts, and a bag of Pom bears and a banana and an oaty bar but running out of snacks is totally unacceptable. I’m going to scream. Oh actually I might head butt the pushchair as well because, like I said – this is totally unacceptable. I AM A GROWING BOY AND I WANT MORE SNACKS. WHERE’S THE EASTER EGGS? I hunted Easter eggs three weeks ago, and I just don’t understand why chocolate eggs aren’t everywhere. I WANT SNACKS AND EGGY EGG EGG NOW MAMA.
HIGH: Oh man the park was so good and now I’m in my pushchair and its warm and I’m cosy and zzzzzzzzzzzzz……. [editor’s note: after a tantrum in the park after R had eaten his way through a backpack full of snacks, this was one of mama’s high points of the day too. She drank coffee, took photos for Instagram, and told herself she would be more productive tomorrow]
LOW: I woke up back at home. What the what? What happened to the park? I know, ooooh I know – I’ll say ‘park’ that worked earlier. ‘PARK’. Huh? What do you mean no? ‘PARK’. Wait a minute, this isn’t how this works, look I will try one more time and I will go and get my shoes to show you exactly what I want ‘PARK’. PARRRRRRKKKKKK, PARK, PARK, PARK, PARK. OK if I can’t go to the park what about an EGG? EGG EGG PARK EGG PARK.
HIGH: DADA! Yayyyyyyy Daddy’s home, this is total number one best awesome super duper top part of the day. Big snugs, and kisses, ewwwwww daddy not kisses, ok, ok kisses. C’mon daddy lets go look in the garden, let me show you what I have done today. I have tipped water all over the patio and mixed it with soil. I have thrown some rice that Mama made for ‘messy play’ in the flower beds. Here are all of my teddies, I couldn’t decide which one to play with so got them all out, but then thought they were pretty boring to be honest so I got my toy car and my scooter and my new scuttlebug out. Oh and I emptied the Tupperware cupboard, I know you had fun matching all the lids for Mama the other day so we can do it again, look Daddy look!
LOW: I’ve escaped the clutches of a soggy nappy, and am gleefully running bottomless round the living room – nothing quite like the feeling of a breeze on your nether regions after being encased in a sweaty nappy all day. Hold up? What’s that feeling in my tummy? Oh no. Uh-oh. Oh no. Ohhhnooooooooo I’m going to poo, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do again? ‘MAMA!!!!!’
HIGH: She’s not a total moron, she deciphered my wiggling panicked stance, reminded me what to do (‘Do you need potty?), and we ran like Olympic athletes to the potty, and I sat down and did a class-A, grand old curling poop. Well I must demur; it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. But I got showered in kisses, hugs, and a special treat – chocolate. This pooping lark is a-ok.
LOW: Whaddya mean its bedtime? I just pooed in a potty like a big boy I don’t go to bed when it’s still light out. Whaddya mean I have to have a bath??? I had one last night; just who do you think you are putting me in a bath. Brush my teeth?! NO, NO,NO. Oh haha jokes on you, I’m going to crawl all over your bed as you put the nappy on, let’s see if I can get the buttcream on your pillow again.
HIGH: *Yawns* oh actually I am quite tired, it’s been a busy day. And daddy’s doing bedtime which is super awesome because he is like a big massive snugly giant and I can curly up uder his wing and fall asleep. But I do miss Mama, she is a number one Mama, oh I know – if I wake up in the night I will cry for Mama and she will come and snuggle me until I fall asleep again. Oh that’s a good plan, snuggles with everyone. ‘NAH-NIGHT’
So I wrote this, thought it was hilarious, and realised I had written a very similar Day in The Life Of post a few months ago, but hey – it’s still funny right? Let me know the highs and lows of your toddler’s day!