1.Taking a shit in peace.Yeah, I said it. Whilst a lengthy twenty-five minute crap is the occupation of my better half I do still miss the days when I could poop without a little voice enquiring Mama? MAMA? MAMAAAAAA?! Or dodging toys that R is throwing over the baby gate at me, now that makes for an exciting toilet trip – avoiding flying wooden blocks whilst wiping.
2.Spontaneous drinks after work. Hell spontaneous supermarket trips after work. Spontaneous ANYTHING. If D or I want a night out with friends, then it is pencilled into the calendar months in advance and childminder drop offs and pick ups are negotiated on a, ‘well if you leave early today, you can stay late next week and I’ll do bath and bed time’ basis. Meanwhile if we want a night out together, well it’s a full scale military operation. On Friday we went home from work at the same time and popped into Waitrose saying how nice it was strolling down the veg aisle child-free, only to receive a call from Granddad (that day’s childcare) checking when we would be back and reminding us to get milk. Trѐs romantic.
3.Morning Sex. Literally, I could not tell you the last time we had sex that was not very quietly after R has gone to bed. We don’t ever need to set an alarm, he wakes us up at precisely 6am every morning, so there’s nary a chance for sleepy spooning. LOL who am I kidding, if R slept for an extra half hour on a morning, we too would be snoring our heads off.
4.Charging your phone. Hmm, so this might not be a problem anyone else faces, but my child is OBSESSED with cables and plugs. So a phone charger is a double whammy. If it ever needs charging in the day, I have to smuggle it downstairs and plug my phone in secretly behind the sofa. And if he spots it, there are shrieks of excitement and next thing you know he is carrying my charger round trying to plug it in to other plugs. Not ok. I’m just living life on the edge over here with a battery permanently at 5%.
5.Not being Ill. Oh man, guys I cannot emphasise this enough. We spent a solid two months sick at the beginning of this year, R picked up bugs everywhere he went – especially at the childminders/playgroup and then quickly passed them on to me and D. Wahoo. Shout out to the particularly memorable weekend where we all had the shits. When people talk about ‘making memories’ and #blessed, they fail to mention how you will end up laid on your child’s bedroom floor whilst they wreck it around you praying that a) they can amuse themselves with a packet of wetwipes until your partner gets home and b) that you don’t shit yourself because no matter how many times you wipe your toddler’s arse, they ain’t gonna reciprocate that favour.
6.All your favourite TV programmes. Where weekday evenings were once for binging on Netflix until an indecent hour, now after the laundry has been folded, the toys put away and the general chaos tackled (read: put into the kitchen to deal with tomorrow) me and D are far to shattered to tackle anything more than a couple of light episodes of The Office (US version guys, c’mon!) Or maybe a film at the weekend. Suffice to say we are now so far behind with all our favourite shows that our TV schedule for the next year at least is already sorted.
7.Having clean trousers. There is nothing R likes more than grabbing my trousers and swinging from them, wiping his nose in passing as he goes. Cue me trying to pick bogeys discreetly off my mid-thigh area under the desk at work.
8.Your chic grown up living room. Those of you with a playroom in your house, now you truly are the chosen ones. The rest of us have had to remove anything delicate, or breakable up up and away out of little arms reach and our living rooms are slowly being taken over by brightly coloured toy detritus. One day I’ll get a bar cart and have a set up of spirits and glass decanters worthy of Emily Gilmore – but for now I’ll spend my days in Ikea buying yet more Kallaxes to try and store some of the mountains of toys in!
9.Space on your phone. It was bad enough when as a new born every single little squishy face and outfit was adorablebut now… well when they are doing something hilarious you obviously have to video it! And take pictures. And more pictures! And another quick video to send to your parents on Whatsapp. And toddlers are hilarious ALL THE TIME. Before you know it your phone is flashing a message at you to say it is ‘dangerously low on storage’, and you delete all your old selfies so you don’t have to ever look at how young and thin you once were.
10.Squishy new born babies. I think this is why there’s quite often a two year gap between siblings. Because they get to the human wrecking ball stage and you think awwwww remember when all they did was sleep on your chest and breathe sweet milky breath and not destroy anything? LETS HAVE ANOTHER AND NEVER SLEEP AGAIN.
Hurrah! Not that we are planning another one but I definitely get all the feels when I see a scrunched up little froggy baby. What do you think guys? Anything I have missed?